Firstly, this sentence has no significance in IELTS writing task 2 ” In this essay, both sides of this debate will be analyzed before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.”. The examiner knows what you plan to do because IELTS gave you the instructions. Please watch my video about how to write a proper introduction for IELTS – see my writing task 2 video lessons.
Secondly, the instructions ask you to discuss and also give your opinion. Where is your opinion? It is equally important as the discussion. Please see my model discussion essay.
Thirdly, please watch my video about linking devices to start your conclusion.
All in all, you write well but your IELTS skills need work.
As a teenager in 1987, I stumbled across an image of Ohno on a peeling poster in the streets of Angers in north-west France. Captivated by this mysterious portrait, I placed the picture above my bed, where it has remained to this day. As I discovered more about the artist and his work, Ohno's dance and philosophy became a source of great inspiration to me. In 2009, I featured a portrait of him on the cover of my album The Crying Light.
But these days I can’t imagine life without my father-in-law, Peter
You would write “People have different opinions about what punishment children should receive for committing crimes. While some people think children should receive adult punishment, others feel it is too harsh.” My background statement introduces the topic and my thesis introduces the two sides. At no time should you turn your discussion essay into an advantage disadvantage essay. And you should never learn a formulaic sentence to memorise and write in your test.
All the best